• A Nipple licker - shot which opens up the hole
• A Worm f***er - well struck shot, but which doesn't get off the ground (introduced by Swiss Tony)
• A Sally Gunnell - ugly runner
• A Brazil - putt which shaves the hole close (thanks go to Gerry for this)
• I don't go that far on me holidays - for a well struck drive
• On the dance floor - on the green
• Lucy Locket - rhyming slang ('socket') expression for a shank, as it refers to the part of the club striking the ball
• There's a lot of golf left in that - for any putt shorter than 3ft
• Give it a bit more chocolate/toffee - hit it harder
• Bunny hindsight - wait to see what the ball does, and then say it was a deliberate hard fade etc
• COME ROUND! - the most optimistic shout ever heard in golf, by George, immediately after a hard left hook
• A Mother in law - you're up there but you know you shouldn't be (sometimes also called a sister in law, which is not quite as grotesque)
• Does your husband play? - for when someone hits a short tee shot
• "You're standing too close to the ball......after you've hit it" - for another short tee shot
• Power Fade - excuse regularly used for a horrible slice that ends up miles yards down the wrong fairway
• Going down to Margate - when hit into the bunker, must be sung as per Chas and Dave classic
• NITBY - "not in the bunker yet", for any short chip over a bunker onto the green
• Rick O'Shea - when anyone's ball bounces off a tree back onto the fairway
• Houston, we have re-entry - for whenever someone skies one off the tee
• A Paris Hilton - an expensive hole (another Gerry special)
• Tee Way Back - Chinese for a long hole
• A Rick Waller - VERY fat.......and ugly.......with no redeeming features whatsoever
• Gone from Ben Hogan to Hulk Hogan - to go from playing like a God to absolute shite
• Point behind a fellow golfer and say "Oi mate!...........I think you dropped your lipstick" if they hit a short putt or drive

• "Dude Putts Like a Lady" - sung to the tune of "Dude Looks Like a Lady" by Aerosmith for whenever anyone hits a putt short
• A Chuck Berry (in the trees) - no particular place to go
• A Bon Jovi - when you leave a putt short i.e. "Oh, we're halfway there"

• Putting like a gynaecologist's assistant - shaving the hole
• A Dennis Wise - a nasty 5 footer
• A Diego Maradonna - a very nasty 5 footer
• A Salman Rushdie - an impossible read
• A Rio Ferdinand - Lipped out
• A Rock Hudson - thought it was straight, but it wasn't
• A Cuban - needs one more revolution
• An Elton John - a big bender that lips the rim

• An Adolf Hitler - two shots in the bunker
• An Eva Braun - picked up in the bunker
• A Saddam Hussein - go from bunker to bunker
• A Yasser Arafat  - ugly and in the sand

• A Kate Winslett - little bit fat but otherwise perfect
• A Kate Moss - bit thin
• A Gerry Adams - playing a Provisional
• A Michael Barrymore - a long iron
• A Wilfred Bramble - a thin iron
• A Glen Miller - kept low and didn't make it over the water
• An Arthur Scargill - a great strike but a poor result
• A Russell Grant - a fat iron
• A Peter Mandelson - an unbelievable iron
• A Rodney King - over-clubbed
• An O.J. Simpson - got away with it
• A Paula Radcliffe - not as ugly as a Sally Gunnell but still a good runner
• A Marilyn Monroe - a fair crack up the middle (aka "A Blondie)
• A Princess Grace - should have taken a driver
• A Princess Di - shouldn't have taken a driver
• A Robin Cook - just died on the hill
• A Michael Jackson - gradually fading
• A Douglas Bader - looked good in the air, but didn't have the legs
• An Arsene Wenger - everyone saw where it went but you
• A Ken Livingstone - quite far left
• A Jean-Marie LePen - a long way right
• A Ladyboy - looks like an easy hole but all may not be what it seems!
• A Mrs Patel - ugly, but a good worker
• An elephant's arse - high and shitty
• A condom -  safe but didn't feel real good
• A circus tent - a BIG top
• An Anna Kournikova - looks great, but unlikely to get a result
• A Vinnie Jones - nasty kick when you're not expecting it
• A Tony Blair - too much spin
• A Bin Laden - driven out and never to be found again
• A Jamie Oliver - you really want to smack it but you can't
• A Lee Harvey Oswald - three good shots in a row that you don't know where the hell came from
• A Red October - underwater and you won't find it

• A Ryanair - flies well but lands a long way from the target
• A Leslie Ash - bunker with a big lip
• A Sheikh Abu Hamza al-Masri - played with a hook
• A Teddy Kennedy - drove into the water
• A Payne Stewart - played golf well, but eventually crashed and burned